Italy: A Trip to Remember (Almost Everything Was Great!)
My Trip to Italy
Marisol and I made it back from Italy last Sunday night at 6 p.m., and everything was great! Well… almost everything. We both walked our feet off. I was convinced we’d lost weight after walking at least 10 miles a day, but when we checked this morning—surprise! I had gained eight pounds, and Marisol gained five. Depressing!
We went to Rome—three times. Rome is a crazy place, unfit for human habitation. Crossing the street? Get on your knees and pray—you might have a 50/50 chance of surviving. They don’t have traffic rules; they have traffic suggestions. Traffic lights exist solely to decorate street corners with pretty colors. Half the vehicles (or more) are these obnoxious motor scooters driven by everyone—young, old, men, women. I even saw some weaving through sidewalks when the streets got too crowded. No one pays attention to lane markings; they just make their own. This city assaults all your senses at once.
We toured the Vatican and the Sistine Chapel. I have now seen more Catholic churches than I ever wanted to. If I never see another stained-glass window, monument, or statue of Mary again, I will be happy. Did Mary die for our sins? I think not.
Now, let’s talk about toilets. There are more ways to flush a toilet in Italy than the human mind can conceive. No two look or work the same. In two of our hotel rooms, I couldn’t even fit through the shower doors—they were about 12 inches wide! I had to change rooms. One guy on our tour was twice my size, and judging by the aroma he carried, I assume he didn’t fit into any of the showers. Also, Italians don’t believe in bathroom countertops. All toiletries had to be balanced on the sink or placed on the floor. We have a few smashed items as proof. This country needs some decent bathroom architects.
Italians also don’t believe in air conditioning, clothes dryers, or microwaves. Not because they can’t afford them—they just reject them. Laundry hangs out of windows everywhere. They desperately need air conditioning, especially in summer. But to them, Americans are the overindulgent ones. They even think we’re barbarians because we have the death penalty. When someone in the U.S. is spared execution, the Romans change the lights illuminating the Colosseum from white to green for one night.
Florence (or "Firenze" in Italian)A beautiful city and a shopper’s dream (or in my case, a nightmare). I had to drag Marisol out of shops constantly. This is one of the few places I’d consider returning to—if only to preserve my marriage. Bring thousands of dollars, because every designer brand you’ve ever heard of (and plenty you haven’t) has a store there. Michelangelo’s statue of David is here, as are countless marble fountains. We took a horse and buggy ride around the town for 30 minutes ($50).
The Italian countryside is breathtaking—lush, green farmland as far as the eye can see. Marisol spotted a pair of crocodile men’s shoes in a store window and thought the price was great—140,000 lire ($70). Turns out, she missed a few zeros. They were actually 1,700,000 lire ($700). The best shoes I’ve ever owned, but I’m afraid to wear them—I might step in gum or something.
BolognaA quiet, old town. Some people on the trip loved it, but I was disappointed. Not a single bologna sandwich in sight.
Venice (or "Venezia")We stayed on the mainland in a small town called Lido di Jesolo—think Miami Beach, with endless outdoor cafés. Our hotel had a balcony overlooking the Gulf of Venice on the Adriatic Sea. We took a boat to Venice, where we were met by thousands of German and Austrian tourists (Venice is only a two-hour drive from Germany).
A one-hour gondola ride through the canals? Just $150! At lunch, we sat outside a café in the main plaza, sipping cappuccinos and listening to a Venetian orchestra. Now, when I say "cappuccino," "coffee," and "food," I use these terms loosely. Italians serve a brown liquid they call coffee, but it would be better suited for removing paint. Cappuccino? Nothing like Starbucks. And food? Don’t get me started.
Italy grows tons of corn, but they don’t eat it. They feed it to animals—chickens, cows, etc. And forget about finding a Mexican restaurant.
AssisiA medieval town straight out of the 1200s, unchanged for centuries. This is where the Franciscan monks live. You see them everywhere in their brown robes and sandals, eating gelato (which, by the way, is delicious). Since they can’t have sex, I guess they indulge in ice cream. I saw one older monk talking to six younger monks outside a sandal store, seriously debating the best pair of sandals in the display window.
PompeiiThis was my favorite stop. Seeing how the Romans lived in 70 A.D. was fascinating. The city, two-thirds restored from the volcanic eruption of 79 A.D., revealed a depraved society. In a town of just 23,000 people, there were 24 brothels. Most homes had highly graphic sexual paintings on the walls. No wonder they got the wrath of God. We even brought back some volcanic rocks as souvenirs.
Sorrento & CapriSorrento is near Pompeii, and Capri is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen. Thousands of tourists swarm these areas. I feel bad for the locals having to deal with all of us.
I could go on with more funny stories, but I’ll spare you. Time to get back to work.
Talk to you soon,Leighton
We went to Rome—three times. Rome is a crazy place, unfit for human habitation. Crossing the street? Get on your knees and pray—you might have a 50/50 chance of surviving. They don’t have traffic rules; they have traffic suggestions. Traffic lights exist solely to decorate street corners with pretty colors. Half the vehicles (or more) are these obnoxious motor scooters driven by everyone—young, old, men, women. I even saw some weaving through sidewalks when the streets got too crowded. No one pays attention to lane markings; they just make their own. This city assaults all your senses at once.
We toured the Vatican and the Sistine Chapel. I have now seen more Catholic churches than I ever wanted to. If I never see another stained-glass window, monument, or statue of Mary again, I will be happy. Did Mary die for our sins? I think not.
Now, let’s talk about toilets. There are more ways to flush a toilet in Italy than the human mind can conceive. No two look or work the same. In two of our hotel rooms, I couldn’t even fit through the shower doors—they were about 12 inches wide! I had to change rooms. One guy on our tour was twice my size, and judging by the aroma he carried, I assume he didn’t fit into any of the showers. Also, Italians don’t believe in bathroom countertops. All toiletries had to be balanced on the sink or placed on the floor. We have a few smashed items as proof. This country needs some decent bathroom architects.
Italians also don’t believe in air conditioning, clothes dryers, or microwaves. Not because they can’t afford them—they just reject them. Laundry hangs out of windows everywhere. They desperately need air conditioning, especially in summer. But to them, Americans are the overindulgent ones. They even think we’re barbarians because we have the death penalty. When someone in the U.S. is spared execution, the Romans change the lights illuminating the Colosseum from white to green for one night.
Florence (or "Firenze" in Italian)A beautiful city and a shopper’s dream (or in my case, a nightmare). I had to drag Marisol out of shops constantly. This is one of the few places I’d consider returning to—if only to preserve my marriage. Bring thousands of dollars, because every designer brand you’ve ever heard of (and plenty you haven’t) has a store there. Michelangelo’s statue of David is here, as are countless marble fountains. We took a horse and buggy ride around the town for 30 minutes ($50).
The Italian countryside is breathtaking—lush, green farmland as far as the eye can see. Marisol spotted a pair of crocodile men’s shoes in a store window and thought the price was great—140,000 lire ($70). Turns out, she missed a few zeros. They were actually 1,700,000 lire ($700). The best shoes I’ve ever owned, but I’m afraid to wear them—I might step in gum or something.
BolognaA quiet, old town. Some people on the trip loved it, but I was disappointed. Not a single bologna sandwich in sight.
Venice (or "Venezia")We stayed on the mainland in a small town called Lido di Jesolo—think Miami Beach, with endless outdoor cafés. Our hotel had a balcony overlooking the Gulf of Venice on the Adriatic Sea. We took a boat to Venice, where we were met by thousands of German and Austrian tourists (Venice is only a two-hour drive from Germany).
A one-hour gondola ride through the canals? Just $150! At lunch, we sat outside a café in the main plaza, sipping cappuccinos and listening to a Venetian orchestra. Now, when I say "cappuccino," "coffee," and "food," I use these terms loosely. Italians serve a brown liquid they call coffee, but it would be better suited for removing paint. Cappuccino? Nothing like Starbucks. And food? Don’t get me started.
Italy grows tons of corn, but they don’t eat it. They feed it to animals—chickens, cows, etc. And forget about finding a Mexican restaurant.
AssisiA medieval town straight out of the 1200s, unchanged for centuries. This is where the Franciscan monks live. You see them everywhere in their brown robes and sandals, eating gelato (which, by the way, is delicious). Since they can’t have sex, I guess they indulge in ice cream. I saw one older monk talking to six younger monks outside a sandal store, seriously debating the best pair of sandals in the display window.
PompeiiThis was my favorite stop. Seeing how the Romans lived in 70 A.D. was fascinating. The city, two-thirds restored from the volcanic eruption of 79 A.D., revealed a depraved society. In a town of just 23,000 people, there were 24 brothels. Most homes had highly graphic sexual paintings on the walls. No wonder they got the wrath of God. We even brought back some volcanic rocks as souvenirs.
Sorrento & CapriSorrento is near Pompeii, and Capri is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen. Thousands of tourists swarm these areas. I feel bad for the locals having to deal with all of us.
I could go on with more funny stories, but I’ll spare you. Time to get back to work.
Talk to you soon,Leighton
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